Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
