he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
