Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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