I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
