I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
