Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
ttyl tear gas
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
