i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I intend to get homeless drunk
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
