so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
