i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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