you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
