Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
