My nipple is on Facebook.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
