I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
