Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
