oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
