You can't special order awesome
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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