i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
