highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
