yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
