Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
