She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
