I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
