When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
