Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
