He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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