I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
