Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
