I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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