The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
