i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
