I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
