Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
