This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
