she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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