Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
