Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
