just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
