i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
