"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
