I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
