Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
