My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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