OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
