I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
