just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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