You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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