You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
