I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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