If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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