When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
