The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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