What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
